I was born in a small town outside of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. My father started an ice cream business when I was two years old, so my family and I moved to North Carolina. Whilst growing up, I spent a lot of time in my dad's ice cream store. I was also very close to my mother; I had a regular upbringing.
A tragedy that changed it all
When I was five years old, my parents told my siblings and me that they were getting divorced. Because I was very young, I did not know what the consequences of that would be.
The idea of divorce also didn't make sense to me, because it seemed that my parents had a normal marriage. I had never seen or heard of any violence between them. But on November 4, 1990, after a series of shocking events, my life changed.
That night, I remember getting woken up by loud noises. Something had happened with my mom and my father had told my siblings and me to wait for an ambulance outside of our house. My father then rushed us to our neighbor's house, but I had a feeling that something bad had happened to my mom.
The next day, I was told that my mom had passed away. I had no real concept of death, so I thought that my mom would be coming back. It wasn't until a short while later, when I was told that my mom was in heaven, that I realized she was gone for good.
It was a crushing experience for me as a little boy. I didn't yet understand the effect that my mother's death would have on me. At the time, my father had told me that my mom had slipped in the bathtub, and I believed him.
Starting a new life
Two months after my mom's death, my father decided to move back to Pittsburgh as his family network and support system lived there. So, my dad, my siblings, and I moved back in with my father's parents. I didn't know it at the time, but my father immediately began to date again. He also went back to work in the dental field, which is what he did before we owned an ice cream store.
A few months later, he introduced my siblings and me to a woman called Maryann. She looked strikingly similar to my mom, so much so, that I had thought that my real mom was standing in front of me the first time that we were introduced.
My father's relationship with her progressed very quickly and shortly after, my family began attending social gatherings with Maryann. In the Spring of 1992, my father proposed to her. Maryann and my dad wanted my siblings and me to be part of the wedding, it was very important to both of them. They had also started building a house, because they wanted us to feel like we were a family.
During that time, I did feel like I was getting my family back. A few months before the wedding, the construction of our new house was finished and we all moved in together. I became very good friends with the next-door neighbors; they had a child my age. I felt like my life was becoming normal again.
My father and Maryann got married in the summer of 1993. Shortly after the wedding, I called her "mom" for the first time. That meant a lot to her because she had taken her time to get to know me.
When I was nine years old, my dad asked my siblings and me how we felt about Maryann adopting us. Because she was already like a mother to me, it didn't make much of a difference, so she adopted us in 1994.
But everything changed once again in November of that year.
The death of my step-mom
That day, when I arrived home from school, a relative took my siblings and me to eat, which felt unusual as nobody had informed us beforehand. After dinner, we were met by our grandmother at our house, who then took us to her home.
When we had arrived at my grandparents' house that evening, my father was there with his own dad. There was a strange man in a suit who introduced himself to me as an attorney. My father then explained to my siblings and me that Maryann had passed away the night before whilst in our family hot tub.
I was in a lot of shock that lingered throughout that evening. I was up late at night and saw a picture of my father on the news. The reporter had explained that the police were questioning my father about Maryann's death, and my mother's death. I didn't know how to feel.
The following few days were hazy because of Maryann's funeral. I felt like I was being closely watched, and that others were whispering about me. It was almost as if there was an elephant in the room that nobody was addressing to me and my siblings.
Charged with murder
My birthday was a week after Maryann's funeral, on November 14. On that day, I slept in as my school had a parent-teacher conference. But when I awoke, my grandmother told me that my father had been arrested and charged with killing my stepmom Maryann. A few weeks later, he was then charged with killing my mom.
I grew up in a household where my family and I went to church every Sunday; Maryann sang in a church choir. I went to religious education classes, I wasn't allowed to say certain words, and certain TV shows were also barred from our house. My dad being a murderer would have made sense to me if I saw violence on an everyday basis in my household. It would've been much easier for me to come to terms with the fact that my father had murdered two people, if I had seen him acting out of character. I remember thinking: "How can someone who won't even let me watch a TV show be the same man who killed my stepmom, and my mom?"
Following my dad's arrest, my siblings and I lived with our aunt for a short period of time, and then we moved back to live with our grandparents. But we were sent to live under the protection of child services in 1996, as our grandparents had mistakenly missed our court order. Because of that violation, we were removed from my grandparents' care and placed in a foster home.
A few days later, my father's murder trial concluded and he was eventually convicted of both murders. I was shocked and dumbfounded. I realized that I was watching my family being destroyed from the inside out. I also realized that my siblings were the only people that I had left. When we each reached the age of 18, we were removed from the foster care system and left to live our own lives.
Searching for answers
In 2003, when I was 18, I decided to join the U.S. military, and became a military police officer shortly after. It was the first time that I was on my own, away from outside influences. I began to realize that a lot of things in regards to the murder of my mom and Maryann did not make sense.
I still wrestled with believing that my dad was capable of killing somebody. So, I visited him in prison to get some answers in 2005.
That was the first time that I noticed that he was manipulating me into believing that he was innocent. I had visited him a few times prior to this, but it was the first time that I began seeing him in a different light.
A year later, after serving in Iraq, I visited him again and gave him an ultimatum. I told him if he did not tell me the truth, I would be dead to him.
A week after that visit, he sent a letter to my siblings and I, saying that he was finally ready to talk about what had happened. So, my siblings and I visited him in prison.
My father explained what had happened the night of my mom's death, and Maryann's death. They had both died the same way. He said that in the heat of an argument with my Mom, he wanted her to stop shouting and placed his arm over her mouth, when she was in the bathtub, until she was unable to breathe.
He then said something shocking: My father explained that on that night, I had gone into the bathroom and witnessed what had happened. He confirmed that I was physically present in the bathroom and that he had told me to get out.
Even now, I still have no recollection of witnessing my dad murder my mom. After I realized that I was present at that moment, I decided to never see my dad again.
Over the years, I did a lot of reflecting. I decided to become a mental health advocate to help others heal their trauma. Validating myself became a vital step in my journey. I'm dedicated to improving myself everyday in all aspects of my life.
I am still healing from the events that had happened; it's a continuous journey. I still learn new things about myself every day.
Todd Boczkowski served in the United States Air Force as a military police officer in 2003. Following his childhood experiences, he is in the process of publishing a book, and uses his social media platforms to raise awareness of his story. You can find him on TikTok here.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
As told to Newsweek associate editor Carine Harb.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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